Speechless: Thoughts of a Proud Failure
by infiniteternity
Summary: Behind the beat red façade and fainting spells is the story of a girl, nay a princess, who dared love the village demon. What was she thinking? A series of one-shots; mostly T rated.
1. Brooding Thoughts of a Proud Failure

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto and, unfortunately, I have no say in what happens in that universe either. If I did, the chapters would not continue as they have been XD

**Summary:** Mindless drabbles in the world of Hinata Hyuuga. You probably can place these during any time in Naruto-verse. Just random thoughts and ideas I had when reading the chapters or seeing the anime; thoughts like "I wonder what Hinata thinks when she isn't fainting like a little pansy girl over Naruto" lol.

**Muses for this chapter:**

**Providence-** My Beautiful Rescue

**Epik High-** Fly

**Chapter 1: Brooding Thoughts of the Fate of a Proud Failure**

Don't be a burden to your team mates.

Don't be a. smack. Burden. Smack. To your team mates. Smack.

My hand, bloody and trembling with fatigue, wiped the sweat off my face, leaving a trail of grime that I wasn't anticipating.

Tiny wisps of emotion seemed to escape the locked recesses that I held them in and slowly coaxed the mask of determination I wore to drop; further burdening my heart. The cold enchantment of the night could not cheer me as it usually did.

I tried to will myself to forget the loop of Hyuuga mantras going through my mind. Another failure in a list of unforgettable and unforgivable failures.

Hinata Hyuuga, what have you done that makes you different? Hinata Hyuuga, another faceless ninja in the sea of ninja. Hinata Hyuuga, genin. Hinata, the next clan head. Inwardly, I laughed at myself.

I couldn't even handle myself today; forget leading a clan.

My thoughts, I knew, were getting darker along with the twilight around me. The air stilled, seemingly instinctually, preparing for the onslaught of rain in a way that only nature could.  
What is it about being a brooding pre-teen that made despairing thoughts seem more intellectual?

If only sensei could see me now; she'd probably just smile at me, encouraging me to figure my emotions out for myself.

Father would look at me with disguised disappointment; I am the daughter that he never wanted… or so it seems during my darkest hours, like now.

Lying back, I looked up at the clouds wondering where did I go wrong?

Is it the silly obsessions I have? My time wasting, inane, obtuse-ness…? Am I really a waste upon these resources in our planet? I need someone to save me. Please.  
I need to be dull so as not to experience pain. The smarter the shinobi, the more dangerous the lifestyle. My clan, I think, is living proof of that.

I am such a coward. People are dying, hurting more than I am… and yet, all I can think about is the void I have been experiencing where my drive and determination used to be. Dreams that slowly died when the reality of my life, the hardships and sacrifices I'd have to endure were made real to me. Dreams, which only recently, were coming back to me.

I will never achieve my goals I guess… Perhaps, perhaps I did something wrong, something in another life to disrespect Kami and this is my retribution. Maybe it's a test? Maybe I am just an asshole who needs a wake up call.

I embrace death. It is part of the natural order of the universe. I understand; after my life here is over, I am actually looking forward to either the numbness or perhaps even a new adventure.

Yet, every night I wake up dreaming, screaming…

Every night I see the faces of those who kidnapped me. Those within the compound who look at me with pain at what could've been and what I have become. I see my mother. I see the man my father used to be. The dreams and hopes that he has for me; so unattainable.

I see the faces of my classmates, of their shattered realities. I am not even close to them. Every night, I see the face of relatives… the ones who I feel compassion and pity for. I see these people, yet I do not know why.

Many people work in patterns. It is not a comment of bitterness, just observation. I help them through their troubling problems and ease their pain, only to add to mine. I help them and then they leave. Perhaps they are too ashamed to continue to talk with someone who might have potential leverage against them?

Perhaps I remind them of their problems? Those people tend to leave me behind. It is a gradual and sad process but one that I should accept.

It is the ones with continue to enjoy my acquaintance that I worry about. That only means that their slew of troubles have yet not ended and they still need someone to listen to them.

I turned to my side and listened to the wind pick up around me.  
I want to protect my sister, so I do not pay attention to her. Does that make any sense? I do not want to influence her or rub off the stink of failure in her direction. She is so smart… soo smart, I cannot do that to her. I do not deserve to be her sister. I love her so much that I wish I was not part of this family.

Quoting Shikamaru, It's so troublesome this game of life. I'm sick of playing to the false philosophies of expectations. I must for the people I love. But, was I conditioned to love them? I love helping people around me and sacrifice myself at every turn for others. I'm sick of it. I do it on instinct now rather than out of want. I don't want to give myself away to people who, in the end, do not recognize me… I hate being like this.

My thoughts turned, as they always do, toward Uzumaki Naruto. The grinning, mysterious, lovable fool. The person who makes me, in turn, feel like the proud failure I've labeled him to be. Whose smiles and promises are aplenty and whose genuine emotions warm your heart so much that it hurt.

Naruto-kun.

His name itself made me feel stronger; like a sacred word that was only to be used when I tried to remind myself that all is well with the world.

Naruto-kun.

Watching him felt like living a different life; a life away from expectations and filled with hopes and dreams. A life where someone else helped me and expected nothing but simple kindness in return.

Sitting up, I stared at the clouds, embracing the rain. I reached my arm out, palm tilted upward and pumped chakra towards my finger-tips. The air sizzled.

He reminded me that failures could achieve and that despite how cruel society was, how ugly the world was, there is always sunshine. And laughter.

Despite his fake grins, or rather because of it, I want to be closer to him. To be recognized. What a privilege that would be.

I want to learn from him what was so infectious about his nature that kept people coming back despite having already eased their troubles. I wanted to know what kept him going despite the disappointments, the, I shuddered, the emotion that society showed him.

I stretched my arms around me preparing for another training session. I had to get stronger. My thoughts were punctuated with every movement I made. I had to get stronger. I could now feel every drop of the rain against my skin. I had to get stronger.

Naruto-kun.

And despite everything that I wanted from him, I also wanted him to know something. That I would be there for him as he was for me. Within my thoughts and my soul. For all the saving that he did for others, someone had to save him too. To make promises and grandeur demonstrations for _him _the way that he did for others. The way that, no one had for me. Save one person.

Naruto-kun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Next chapter will probably be a different emotion lol. Depending on my own mood.

Hope you enjoyed and please do review. I love constructive criticism.


	2. Dreamy Thoughts of a Proud Failure

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto… and at the rate Kishi-sensei is going, Hinata probably won't either.

I'm not Japanese either so my –kuns, -sempais, -chans are only limited to what seems to be popular in fanfic. Labeling Iruka a sensei and having Hinata call Naruto –kun and having Naruto calling Hinata…well, just Hinata.

This, quite frankly, always confused me. No wonder Hinata faints so much; Naruto seems to imply an inherent familiarity lol.

**Summary:** Mindless drabbles in the world of Hinata Hyuuga. You probably can place these during any time in Naruto-verse. Just random thoughts and ideas I had when reading the chapters or seeing the anime; thoughts like "I wonder what Hinata thinks when she isn't fainting like a little pansy girl over Naruto" lol.

**Muses for this chapter:**

**Reik- Amor Primero**

**Tyrone Wells- Sea Breeze**

**Ravi Prasad- Indian Gypsy**

**Chapter 2: Dreamy Thoughts of a Proud Failure**

Mrs. Naruto Uzumaki.

I gasped at the words staring back at me from my notebook. The doodles peppering the sides of the paper blended neatly with the notes that I wrote in neat rows. How I wish I had just enough chakra control to set the paper on fire and destroy any evidence of my distraction from the lecture.

Neji probably would have looked at me with a sneer of superiority.

My thoughts turned into the slightly hazy quality of a daydream.

I shifted slightly in my seat; the western corset I had begun wearing under my black shirt pinched my waist. How uncomfortable. My help-maid assured me that the corset would help my waist-line in the long run. Itching to adjust it while still being modest in public, I rubbed my elbow against my waist and cursed fusion clothing and growing up.

Imagining the look on Neji's face was a welcome distraction and led me to think about how he would look like with more exaggerated looks of horror. And then I thought about my father would look with the same looks of horror. Which lead me to scenes where strong Hinata battled father… She would win of course. Neji would then have to dress up in a dress as per our bet. I giggled to myself silently at my scandalous thoughts and hazarded a look around the classroom.

Iruka-sensei was still at the front of the classroom, pictures littering the chalkboard rather than the usual litany of paragraphs. Sakura, who had arrived before me to the classroom today to bashfully place a gift on Sasuke's desk, sat at the front of the classroom sighing. Her carefully wrapped present sat in a heap at the side of the room, placed with other presents given to Sasuke with equal amounts of hope and care. Poor girl. She was number twenty-four today.

Sometimes, I wish I had as much courage in showing Naruto-kun friendship as they did toward Sasuke.

My eyes drifted, as they always seemed to do, toward Naruto-kun. His chin rested in his palm, his eyelids dropping down occasionally. The notebook that he brought to class was a mess, his pencil now was down to merely a nub. I looked down my own neat notebook and ink pen. Does he need a notebook? Should I offer him one? Would he take it?

The confusion and hesitancy that warred in my mind must have shown on my face because Ino, during her own perusal of the classroom, shot me a curious look with a quirked eyebrow.

I ducked down quickly and traced the words in my notebook. Ino was too good at finding out secrets for her own good.

A ball of paper hit the back of my head. Indignation welled up inside of me quickly and then, just as easily, died down. I may be clan head but that was not a reason for respect. I haven't proven myself to my classmates yet. But I will, soon I think. I have to.

As discreetly as possibly, I slid down and picked up the piece of paper. My eyes shuffled around the classroom to see who threw the paper. Ino looked at me encouragingly. Shikamaru snuck a glance at our exchange and turned his eyes back toward the board. For some reason, he seemed interested in today's lecture about strategy. Perhaps many of the Nara clan had invested in the last war?

I opened the ball of paper and gasped at the picture sketched.

It was a lilac with a lttle girl sketched in the corner, winking. My lips twitched slightly not knowing whether to smile or cry. Only Ino would think of communicating in flower language.

Tucking the piece of paper into my satchel, I looked back up at the board to see if Iruka-sensei noticed the lack of attention to his lecture. It seemed like he didn't.

My thoughts once again drifted.

The children of the clan heads all knew each other. It went without saying that we all, sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously, kept tabs on each other. It was taboo to talk about it so openly, and father had never explicitly mentioned it to me, but I think keeping notice of each other helped us and in turn helped our clans feel secure.

As long as we were at almost equal levels of development, there wasn't a lot to worry about. It was almost a happy coincidence that we were all born around the same time.

I blushed slightly.

Okay, think happy innocent thoughts. Think happy thoughts. The lessons that we learned during our kunoichi classes were not something I wanted to relive.

Palms covering my now warming cheeks, I looked at said clan leaders' children.

Shino sat in the leftmost corner of the room, I knew. I think he liked the dark environment the back of the room provided. Too many of the civilian children thought he was weird.

Kiba, today, was sitting as close to the window as possible. He usually sat near the window or door, the smells of sweating and hormonal children being too much to handle for his sensitive nose.

Father had already hinted to me that these two would be my potential team mates during our training together. The perfect tracking team.

I sighed softly and glanced again at the board. Iruka-sensei had finally noticed Naruto-kun's less than inspiring attention to his discussion on strategy during the Last Great Ninja War. I could see he was revving up to throw his piece of chalk at Naruto-kun.

Smiling sadly, I looked at the other kids in the class. The clan children looked vaguely interested; they usually didn't find any interest on the affairs of civilian children. Some of the civilian kids smirked disdainfully at Naruto-kuns antics. I think they thought he was giving them a bad name. That's probably why they did not like him so much.

It, like the bonds between children coming from clans, was not explicit, this divide between clan children and civilian children. No one discouraged my friendship with civilian children but I never had the opportunity either. The only time I ever saw them was in the classroom and, I was too shy to make friends.

Shaking my head, slightly ashamed at myself, I looked down surprised at my fingers. I think from my ink pen had spilled slightly, blotting my fingers and pants in navy blue ink. Taking a handkerchief out of my satchel, I began methodically wiping my fingers, hoping the ink would not stain my pants too badly.

I glanced at Naruto-kun, who now had his arms behind his back in feigned apology and amusement. I could tell he was faking his smile. I could always tell. A similar mask I wore when dealing with my own family. It was curious that Naruto-kun knew how to hide his emotions so well. I looked at the other children to see their reaction and narrowed my eyes slightly in confusion. How much had I missed?

They were now paying attention to the lecture. Odd. Usually the other children took Naruto-kun's mistakes as an opportunity to relax.

There were two types of civilian children. The ones who tried in earnest to prove themselves to the clans and the teachers. Sakura was the perfect example of that in this classroom I think. She was one of the few girls that I kept my eyes on, noting her progress.

The other type of civilian classmate was the one who was only in the classroom because of their idealism or their parents' idealism. Becoming Shinobi was a dangerous but well-paying occupation and one that brought respect to the family. There were a few who really wanted to be here and others who only put up with the lessons until the ninja exam. The latter usually went back to normal classrooms where trajectories weren't taught in terms of kunai and enemy ninja.

I wish I had that opportunity sometimes.

In Neji's classroom, I knew, was TenTen-sempai. I had talked to her during kunoichi classes and was impressed by her level of knowledge and dedication to becoming a shinobi. Having been, up until now, held attached to the clan house, I hadn't had much interaction with civilians or their children. It was an eye-opening experience.

Different. But nice.

A world where there were no expectations, no one to answer to and to live a normal life. I could become a medic-nin or run a store. Or live off the land and drift from providence to providence. Perhaps I can go watch a film in an actual theatre. I sighed dreamily.

Meeting Naruto-kun had been an eye-opening experience as well. By all means, I don't think our paths would have ever crossed. Naruto-kun was one of the orphaned civilian children; his only option in life was to either go to a government granted school with the Hokage's help or become a shinobi. Though, that was frowned upon.

With no one guiding them and lack of money for supplies, the government had to take the brunt of the costs in providing for orphaned civilains' education. Usually, if the civilian showed potential, it would be okay. However, it seemed as if some of the teachers and civilian parents hated Naruto-kun's presence.

Even the clan elders showed a veiled hate for Naruto-kun which was quite shocking. Clans usually did not care for civilian children.

Perhaps Naruto-kun's education cost too much? But that did not make sense at all.

I looked my blonde-haired classmate, taking in his raggedy orange jumpsuit and goggles. If anything, Naruto-kun looked smaller and thinner today.

I remembered the first day I saw him in the training field. A wistful smile enveloped my face. Oh, how much simpler would it be if Naruto-kun was from a clan. Then we could be friends so easily. Then I would see him more often and then I could talk to him, share my secrets. Maybe I could tell him that I wore a mask too sometimes and then he could tell me about his life, what his hobbies are, what he does when he goes home in the evenings. Does he go home in the evenings? Does he long escape like I do?

I replaced the cap on my ink pen and traced more patterns on my paper. Now lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice that I was humming until a shadow fell over me. I looked up startled.

It was Iruka-sensei looking at me with a mixture of astonishment and amusement.

"I expected better from you Hinata," he said frowning while his eyes twinkled in amusement.

How cruel. Glad I could be of amusement. I was dying of embarrassment here.

Sudden realization had me looking down at my notebook. I covered it quickly with other sheets of paper before anyone could notice the cause of my distraction.

My heart-rate doubled and the darned corset made breathing difficult.

I gambled a look at Naruto-kun.

Goodness! I gasped inaudibly.

He.

Was.

Looking.

At.

Me!!!

My cheeks warmed up and the last thing I registered was Naruto-kun winking at me. Was this another dream?

I fainted.

Bliss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
**A/N-**

Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I probably won't update that frequently. Just whenever the mood suits me or if you guys have requests lol. Please don't hesitate to talk to me about whatever; what you think about Naruto, this story, movies, life, international policies… whatever lol.

On a completely different note, I found a DVD my mom downloaded of 5 cm per Second. It was my bad luck that I watched it. Made me cry like a little girl.

**Question: Who is your favorite Naruto Character and why?**

My answer: Naruto- but not manga or anime Naruto. I love fanfic Naruto when he's written correctly lol. If I had to choose an anime Naruto character as is, it's a close call between Shino and Iruka. So badass.


	3. Nonsensical Thoughts of a Proud Failure

**Disclaimer:** Naruto, I do not own. Hinata, I do not own. The whole Naruto-universe, I do not own either. Man, just what have I been doing with my life?!

**Summary:** Just some random one-shots of random Naruto-related thoughts that our darling Hinata might have.

**Muses for this Chapter:**

Jay Sean- Dil Mera

**Rico Yan and Claudine Barretto's ****Got 2 Believe**

**The Anime Series ****Kimi Ni Todoke****.  
The main character is so much like Kishi's Hinata pre manga screw up. The main guy is like how I imagine Naruto would have turned out had he not been "cursed" by the fox and perhaps had more of the Yodaime's character. It's kinda slow this anime (as are all Rom-series, like ****Clannad****) but I love it. Only 25 episodes.**

**Chapter 3: Nonsensical Thoughts of a Proud Failure  
……………………………………………………………………………………. **

My legs hurt.

Sitting in this position for too long reminded me of muscles that I forgot even existed. I tried to shift subtly, glancing stoically at the audience in front of me and my father and the clan elders out of the corner of my eye.

Neji niisan frowned at me, subtly hinting that I should maintain decorum in audience.

Well, pardon my language, screw him too! Every movement that had to be marked with a sense of subtlety and grace, every action of mine that could be condemned as offensive or not aggressive enough.

Curse being a female. As a princess I should be soft and delicate but as a future leader, I had to be mannish and aggressive? Where was the fine line? Where was the justice? Grecian images of female warriors almost made me smile. Living in a hidden village just wouldn't do. The life of a vagabond would be perfect.

And the word vagabond. Just where did that come from? From Vaga bons? Meaning "Lazy bum"? My mood changed to humor with a twinge of sadness.

I'm not a lazy bum. I wish I were, however. The tasks that were completed thus far today came to the forefront of my mind. Training, cleaning, training, crying, training, dressing, self-loathing, training.

My day. My life. How upsetting.

And, dammit! He got to stand! It's not fair!

My fingers twitched a little, perhaps in self-disgust at my thoughts. 'Hyuuga princes must maintain all sense of propriety,' I mocked silently to myself. Hair, perfectly made. Dress, perfectly pressed. Walk, perfectly measured. Sit, perfectly…

Sitting!

I tried to rolls my ankles a bit, give feeling to my now uncomfortable legs. No matter how many times I sat in this position, I dare say, I'll never get used to it.

I tried to think happy thoughts. Sunshine, cherry blossoms, morning musume songs, flowers…  
Naruto-kun.

Oh my. This simply wouldn't do. Thinking about _him _will soon make me blush and, curse this corset, make me swoon.

Another embarrassing situation and a show a weakness in front of my clan.

I could feel my facial muscles slipping out of their set position of careful interest yet appropriate disinterest. Oh the masks that one must don in this household. I tried to pull myself together; mold myself into the perfect picture of a princess once again.

Looking for a distraction, I looked at the audience today. The hall, which was quite vast in itself, was almost full today, as well every end of the month meeting. One or two of the clan families, I did recognize. A second cousin, an aunt, the occasional weird grandpa. It was amusing observing the dynamics of this family. Freedom with a sense of oppression. All seeing with a veil over ones own eyes. One of the children holding onto his mom's hand tried to slip away to play. I gave him a slow smile and a quick wink.

'Poor kid,' I thought, 'soon he'll be receiving the mark as well…'

NO! That cannot happen any longer. The mark wasn't simply a symbol marking the difference within the clan as others thought in the village. It was a stigma. It was a way of life. It was, as Neji niisan described, an almost inescapable destiny.

Lower status. A chance to never escape. And a constant reminder of what could have been. How life could have been without the mark. One couldn't simply change the way they looked to move up the ranks.

A separate race even within the Hyuuga. A caste system. _Sub-human _some elitist clan members thought.

Thankfully, Father disposed of them, marked with the Hyuuga swiftness and subtlety. Subtle. Ha! Only I knew about it and I held knowledge, such as that, that I was privy to with honor and pride.

Those clan members were probably making their lives somewhere out west; a forced exile. They too, forever marked.

I'm not a simpering weakling. I know my boundaries. My weakness. Perhaps that is my form of genius? The ability to assess my limitations.

Father does not like this divide, the caste system that separated him with his own twin. I know that. I can only imagine the horror I would feel at being separated from Hanabi due to, once again _subtle, _differences.  
But it will happen. She too will be marked unless I do something about it.

And I will. All I live for to is to give, and that I shall do with pleasure.

Pleasure. My cheeks, I know, are now touched pink. Naruto-kun.

He would help me I think. No, I know. He will help me.

My thoughts drifted, as did my common sense and the careful position I held all meeting began to droop.

A shared future with Naruto-kun. What an honor and privilege for someone like me. He is a whirlwind of change and… with him, I could achieve anything.  
Saving Hanabi, saving my clan, saving myself.

Anything.

"Hinata."

I was jolted out of my thoughts and sudden consciousness overcame me. I was confident, however, that most would not recognize that I had become so immersed in my thoughts that I had almost drowned.

Father turned to me, a mixture of amusement and warning in his eyes.

Oh, how could he always tell?

"What do you think of Kuwano-san's predicament? He wishes to customize his home and paint it purple as a homage to the Hyuuga clan. However, Shibayama-san considers that shade an eye-sore. What solution do you suggest my daughter?"

Ah. Occasionally, we receive this type of problem to judge as well. Most of them are deemed unimportant and some type of overseer would solve them. However, I knew, this issue had sparked a feud between the two families. How silly. There were people dying in the hidden village. What a civilian problem to have indeed.

I thought for a moment. And then another.

Suddenly, without really thinking, I blurted out, "Orange! Paint the house orange!"

The two warring families looked at my with restrained, _subtle,_ disbelief and the clan elders, most of them too old to truly function, blankly stared. My favorite aunt simply smiled kindly, perhaps internally wondering about my sanity.  
It was Father, however with a twitch of his lips and an odd twinkle in his eye, that said, "And so it shall be done."

In the end, it didn't really solve anything at all. The two families still warred and the Hyuuga compound now had an odd off-orange/brown house within it.

Another failure for Hinata.

……………………………………………………………….  
A/N- Our thoughts aren't consistent on a day to day basis and neither will be my writing style for every chapter. Admittedly, some chapters will be a slight more eloquent than others. While others, I promise, are more humorous, serious, etc.

On a side note, please, suggestions are most welcome and I love having discussions with you guys! **Thank you** to the 78 people who put me on their story alert list and to all the people who have reviewed thus far. It made me happy lol.

**Shout out to one of my suite mates who found my other ff account; let's see if she can find this one :P**


	4. Angst Filled Thoughts of a Proud Failure

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the Naruto-verse. And the way the manga has been going these days, I'm glad I don't. Seriously…

**Summary:** Just some random one-shots of random Naruto-related thoughts that our darling Hinata might have.

**Muses for this Chapter:  
**

**Nujabes- **Think Different (ft. Substantial)

**Epik High**- Umbrella (ft. Younha)

**Ino/Gaara or Ino/Kiba crack fic. Who knew they could be so much fun?**

*OT- did you know that Ino was top overall in the Academy? Why was Sakura always touted the smartest? It's easy to forget...

**Chapter 4: Angst-Ridden Thoughts of a Proud Failure**

They hate me. TheyhatemeTheyhatemeTheyhatemeTheyhateme.

I tried to take several deep breaths, my heart pounding. The world started spinning.

I can't breathe.

I slipped into the bathroom, taking care to quiet my sobs until I closed the door fully.

I started stripping, tears dripping down my face, clothes scattered haphazardly as I made my way across the marble floor of the bathroom to the tub. Blindly, I reached for the shower, turning it so the water started pouring out. Ice cold.  
I collapsed into the tub, crawling up into a ball, holding onto myself, crying still.

I'm my only support.

They hate me. They do. They do. They do. I stared at the water pooling around me, my tear drops mingling with the water, my breathe coming out in visible puffs against the cool air.

My hair clung to my shoulders, fanning out in the water, providing warmth against the shocking cold of the shower. My skin made a final protest against the cold, goose flesh indicating indignation. My head throbbed in time with my breaths. I don't care anymore.

Why can I still feel? Make it stop. Make it stop.

Staring at the tendrils of my hair, dancing in the water as the shower pounded at my back, I thought about what I could do. Now that everyone knew what a failure I was. How horrible I was really doing. How my life is now crashing down in front of me.

I tried protecting him, as stupid as it sounds. I didn't want him to know. I didn't. That's the truth. But, I failed him. I failed him and myself. And my family. And everyone that I love. My precious people.

I'm sorry. I failed.

Father, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a failure. I'm sorry I'm so stupid. I'm sorry that I can't live up to your ideal. I can't stand this. I can't stand myself.

I started scratching at myself, wanting to be clean. Wanting to escape from this reality. Wishing I was someone else, anyone else, but myself. Thin red lines appeared on my arms and legs, skin lifting slightly. Still no pain. And yet, there was so much that it was overwhelming.

The pain inside.

I was still gasping; my lungs couldn't take in air fast enough, tears still dripping down my face. Hyperventilating. I can't even cry without failing.

It was enough of a nightmare finding out that I'm not and never will be the top kunoichi in my class. Okay. So I'll do better. I will. I will. I promised myself.

My nails dug into my arms, reminding myself of emotions other than pain. And yet, there it was. There it always is. Pain. It hurts. Make it stop.

Then the civilian children made fun of me. Meek and weak princess. Can't talk without stuttering. Can't speak up. Can't ask questions in class. No. I don't want to let others know how weak I am. Yes. That's why I do it. That's why I'm quiet.

Right?

Maintain dignity, try to do everything myself, try to hide my ineptness.

Right? And yet, they already know. They know. They know I'm weak.

TheyhatemeTheyhatemeTheyhateme. They do.

The students all laughed at me; the clan children simply looked at me in pity or indifference. I'm not important enough to take notice of. I'm not loud. I'm not smart. I'm nobody.  
I'm Hinata…Hyuuga?  
No, I'm not even that. I don't even deserve my own name. I don't deserve anything because I've failed everyone.

I've failed. I did. I did. I failed.  
I'm sorry.

It was embarrassing, it was humiliating, it was degrading. That's not me. That's not who I'm supposed to be. I can't even complete a simple chakra manipulation exercise.  
My clan's specialty.

Who was I kidding? I never fit in here.

And then, there was the mock fight; the fight that determined everything and yet proved nothing. It confirmed facts. Hinata. Forever dumb. Stupid. Weak. Failure. I'm a failure.

Am I? 

They talk about me like I'm not even there. I'm weak. Need protection. Everyone is better than I am; I'm the weakest of the clan children. Weaker than even the civilian children.

Am I?

Sitting there, I reached behind me and turned the water a tad bit warmer. Might as well be comfortable when deciding my fate. I tried to think up some of my virtues and turned up empty handed.

Sure I can make medicine. But so could a handful of other kunoichi. Sure I have ideas. Doesn't everyone? Sure I have my clan. More a curse than anything.

Every realization drew more tears. I started getting up, only to fall back down, legs cramped up by the previously ice cold water. I cried harder. I cant deal with this anymore. I cant.

If I wasn't even alive, everyone's life would be so much better. Neji's father would still be alive. Hanabi would have a position in the family worthy of her true skills. Father would not have a failure to deal with. The clan children would be perfect without a dark and meek addition. The classroom would be a more cheerful place. I wouldn't be a burden any longer. Everyone would be so much happier.

Theyhateme. And I think I hate myself.

Yes, if I wasn't alive, maybe mother would've been happier too. Father would still have his brother. He wouldn't have to unnecessarily support me in my failings. Neji-niisan would be happier.

If I wasn't alive, I wouldn't have to live. And that would be the best part.

Living hurt. Living means that every day is filled with suffering and failure. Every day is filled with expectations and rituals. Every day is a new challenge. You need strength and courage to live. I'm not that strong. I'm a coward. I know. I'm a failure.

Walking out of the bathtub I dropped to the floor besides my trousers. I patted the pockets of my pants, now sobbing silently, my body shaking, my limbs already feeling weak. My chest heaved, lungs tired from breathing rapidly, back smarting from the onslaught of cold water.

Feeling the cold smooth surface of the kunai, I slipped it out of my pocket and stared at it wondering. Curiously mingled with fear and resignation.

I should die. I'd be doing everyone a favor. I sat on the marble floor, taking care to slip on my pants and tunic in the process. I wanted to at least die with dignity.

Rubbing at my eyes with the back of my hand, I wondered what it would feel like to die.

I got up and stared at the mirror, wondering for the last time what I would be leaving and if anyone would miss me.

No. No one would notice I am gone. Just like now. No one cares.

And then, as I lifted the kunai up into the air, ready to plunge into my chest, I remembered someone just as lonely as I am. Someone whose masked smiles and loud voice brought me joy even during my darkest hours. Who still managed to survive with the lot he received; who braved the world even with his meager circumstances. Who still strived to be the best that he could be despite the lack of resources and help…

Naruto-kun.

I'm his only friend even if he doesn't know it. Even if he doesn't know who I am. I haven't failed at that yet, have I?

There are so many others with problems worse than mine, valiantly trying to live everyday to the fullest. Who would create additional support for the branch members if I was gone? Where would all of my dreams and hopes go when I am gone? Will someone else achieve them… my ideas; will they be fulfilled?

And then, I thought, some more tears drying up slowly, my body still shivering, my hand with the kunai in it, unconsciously swinging down.

Slowly and methodically, I hacked at my hair, kept traditionally long in the Hyuuga style, and vowed that this was the price that I should pay for my foolishness.

I wanted to take my own life when there were people out there who wanted nothing from me, yet needed me. And, because of that, I need them.

I lifted my eyes and stared at myself in the mirror, my previously long hair shorn short, the thick strands pooled around my feet on the floor. Never again will my hair be long again until I have proven myself to be worthy.

I will prove myself to Naruto-kun. Because, he needs me. Whether he knows it or not he does. I'll protect his life because, he saved mine.

**A/N: **

**Inspired by, of all things, this really weird convo I had with my friends about how whenever people cry, they repeat the stupidest things! Also, we were talking about how much we hate Harry Potter but love the fanfics. Something I've been noticing with Naruto-verse as well!**

**Which reminds me; I've decided that I'm officially in love with all of the Inos and Hinatas and loathe all of the Sakura's. If that makes any sense at all…**


	5. Obsessive Thoughts of a Proud Failure

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the Naruto-verse. And the way the manga has been going these days, I'm glad I don't. Seriously…

**Summary:** Just some random one-shots of random Naruto-related thoughts that our darling Hinata might have.

**Muses for this Chapter:**

**Aventura**- Obsesion

**A Kidnap in Color- **Leave the Light On

**Lakshya-** Agar Main Kahoon

Chapter 5: Obsessive Thoughts of a Proud Failure

"Why are you a ninja?"

I looked behind me, at the source of the voice, trying to think of an answer to her question. A pair of large, curious brown eyes twinkled back at me; the little girl hopped from one foot to the other, a bundle of contained energy; charming at that age.

For some reason, ever since she had seen me picking flowers from the garden within the compound walls, the little girl had taken to following me back to the courtyard, asking me questions all the while.

Usually the questions were innocuous, not hard to answer at all without really thinking about it. But sometimes, like today, she'd hit upon questions that I have often wondered myself. It was on days like that, days when her innocent eyes looked at me with hope and, surprisingly, admiration, that I couldn't let myself give her an off-hand answer.

She repeated the question, thinking that I hadn't heard her, and it was the underlying confusion that caught me.

Smiling, I took her hand, walking back toward the veranda deep within the compound, searching for the perfect bench to sit on. Settling for one with a clear view of the courtyard, the walls and the gardens, using skills honed from years of paranoia, I pondered how I would answer her.

The problem was not that I didn't want to but rather, I didn't know how to. The answer, which should be easy and clear cut, as any occupation which demanded years of dedication should entail, really wasn't. Why indeed was I putting myself through the torturous task of training, dealing, and manipulation when I could enjoy the quiet comforts of home? Then, I remembered myself, who I was, and then shook my head amused. Of course, being the Hyuuga heir, a life of danger would seem like the better option. Escape.

I handed her the basket of flowers I held in my hand, putting off her interest for the short time I knew it would, buying time to answer her question with the seriousness that it fully deserved. Life was dangerous and children, however innocent, shouldn't be shielded from _everything. _Vulnerability was not something that a member of this village could afford, especially a Hyuuga. Especially a Hyuuga _branch_ member.

I turned my head slightly, at an angle, observing her. It was around her age, I think, that my world completely changed. Protecting her would be the best thing I could ever do for her. Blocking her from the world. Best, but not right.

I knew why she was asking; now was when she made one of the most important decisions of her life, when she'd moved on from the private tutoring given to all Hyuuga children. When she could now choose where she wanted to go in life; a normal civilian school or training as generations of Hyuuga before her had. Poor kid. The child, and I knew just how ironic that distinction was when I could be still considered a child myself, did not have exceptional skills that the elders would have already manipulated and used. She was under the radar.

Like myself.

I touched the long blades of grass around me, plucking several weeds from the ground, weaving them into a crown. I was rubbish at gardening really—the horror! What Hyuuga heiress would dirty her hands?—but arranging and indulging in feminine tasks of using the flowers was a perfectly respectable hobby. I was quite good at pressing them, making simple items, medicine too. A calming hobby. Placing the crown on her head, bringing her attention back to the original question, I decided to be honest. She really didn't need some bullshit theory about hope and determination; fantasy was only best when dealing with my own problems and I couldn't let her down by giving her a generic answer.

"I don't know. There isn't a reason. And then again, there are so many…" I paused realizing that I was making a mess of things. I hedged for a bit trying a different tactic, asking her a question I already knew the answer to, to buy time. "Why do you ask?"

It was her turn to look to the ground before silently answering, with the stoic intonation of the branch class, "I do not have a choice do I?"  
Looking back at me, she smiled tremulously, "I mean, I don't want to go to the civilian school. I could but I just don't want to," her rapid words lost their cultured tone, "I want to help people! I do! And be somebody!"

I smiled at her, knowing that it was just a couple of years since I was forced to escape such naïve thinking. Answers to life questions aren't simple even when we think they are.

"You could be doing something else if you want to help people. Something less dangerous, less risky."

"Yes but…"

"It is a difficult decision the one you will have to make. What I know, I will try to explain to you. I used to believe in such simple dreams too; in fact, a one sentence answer is what our jounin-sensei's expect of us when we first meet them. Those were slightly different times even if it was a couple of years ago. I will not try to shield you. But, such simple dreams do not suffice when having to face death on a regular basis. Having to come home drained, mind replaying the horrors of battle, body battered and beaten, such simple dreams will not keep you going. You need something else. As a Hyuuga, you surely know that. Loyalty and Kindness are part of it but…"

She sat turned to me, sensing the seriousness of my words; not quite understanding the meaning but grasping the sentiment. Her halo of flowers and aura of innocence made me want to reach out and protect her. It wasn't possible.

"Medic-nin too I'm sure start out with the same dream as yours. 'I want to help people.' It is a fine, self-less statement but one that needs backing if you are to put up with the obstacles in the future…"

I stopped and thought about my next words.

"I have a friend… Ever since he was a little boy, he only had one dream. Every day he'd come into class shouting it to the world, as if declaring it would make it come true. Everyone laughed at him back then. I mean, this dream of his was what everyone had entertained at one point or another; everyone, even I, thought he didn't have the skills to back up his words.

But," I turned to her grasping her hands, "you know what? We didn't realize it at the time, but it wasn't his dream that was important but rather the reasons for his dream. Even though we all laughed at him, even though so many people didn't believe in him, every step that he took and every skill that he gained throughout the years was because of his spirit. The experiences that he went though,"

I broke off a bit choked up, "the experiences he went through to make him want that dream so badly were what kept him going. It wasn't just a dream. It was an obsession. He was obsessed with achieving his goal."

"Did he get his dream?" she asked.

"No, not yet… but, I think he will. Sometimes things don't work out the way we want to. But, my friend, he has a lot of people that support him…" I grinned at her, breaking the seriousness of the discussion,

"After all, even if my dream was to be the world's most beautiful woman it wont happen, even if I try really really hard. You know why? Because the reason for wanting that would be just vain!"

She giggled and then gave me a hug, "but you're already the world's most beautiful woman!"

I blushed, pleased at the compliment, even if it was from a little girl.

"You still didn't answer my question though. Why are you a ninja?"

"Well, because it's expected of me but it's also not that. Because, it's the only way my future dreams can come true. Because, there's so much I could do being a ninja that I cant do any other way.

Because, I can protect the people that I care about and share the morals that I believe. Because, I can take care of my clan and my village. Because, there was once this little boy with a dream and when I was going to give up, he inspired me to go on. Because, even when I felt sad, I knew that he needed someone to protect him. Because, I want to make him proud even if he'll never know. Because, I want to help him reach his dream and because I can _really_ help him if I reach mine. Because I…"

I stopped when I realized that she was just staring at me.

"What?" I self-consciously fidgeted, fingers strained to twitch into the nasty habit I was trying to quit, "what?"

"Nothing," she hopped off the bench skipping away, "I guess you do have to be obsessed."

I blushed once again.

Oh. If only she knew.

A/N- Reading about young adults achieving great things leaves me in awe, inspiration and with a burning sense of jealousy. Does that make me a bad person?


	6. Scheming Thoughts of a Proud Failure

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the Naruto-verse. And the way the manga has been going these days, I'm glad I don't. Seriously…

**Summary:** Just some random one-shots of random Naruto-related thoughts that our darling Hinata might have.

**Muses for this Chapter:**

Plain and simple, the bad-ass way they animated Hinata's "Confessions" and the lovely background about Naruto protecting her when she was little. Perhaps even Fanfic couldn't have scripted a better story.  
(Plus, the ending clip of Hinata riding a bicycle was too cute to pass up XD)

**Eminem and Rihanna-** Love the way you lie

**La India**- Seduceme

**Assassin**- L'Etat Assassine

**Chapter 6: Scheming Thoughts of a Proud Failure**

So. This was love.

Whoever thought that weird, nervous, shy little Hinata, the silent heiress with no obvious gumption at all would feel an emotion such as this. And to think, it filled me with such purpose.

I heaved a sigh. No, no, not only purpose but with a sense of wonderment as well. Some people went entire lifetimes without finding the light at the end of the tunnel, the other half so to speak and yet…  
it hit me, of all times and places, when I was sitting on a garden ledge eating a cinnamon bun during Konoha's busiest season.

Delicious. I _loved _Cinnamon buns. Licking my fingers, I searched the bag for remaining pieces or flecks of sugar. How disappointing. There was nothing left.

Wiping my hands clean with my handkerchief, I looked out of the corner of my eye at the security waiting a respectable distance away. Today, there was only Katano-san keeping an eye on me but he was also one of the best and wasn't tricked as easily as the others; Father of course wasn't going to take chances with me during this season. The crowd offered both protection and risk.

It wouldn't do that Neji nii-san saw me rushing out of the compound this morning. He, however, often saw me running around so I didn't think much of it earlier. Perhaps I should have calculated it into today's scheme.

I thought about the day's plans I had laid out for myself and checked to see if the bicycle I implored Kiba-kun to let me borrow was in place. He didn't know why I asked him to help me every week and I was grateful albeit a bit sad for putting him through all that trouble. After all, none of the ninja clans in the village had any need of most modern transportation, especially a bicycle. He had to go to the civilian section of town to buy it for me (I paid him back of course. Hyuugas always paid back their debts) and it was an inconvenience especially for him because of his nose. I would have asked Shino-kun but he would have pieced together my actions.

Of course, if he hadn't already that is. What I did wasn't really a secret to my team mates. They simply never asked me about it and I never told them. Training with them constantly, having them see me at my best and worst… I loved them like a family but sometimes I liked to keep some things for myself.

I got up slowly, keeping my head down. Another few seconds… one, two, there! Hinamori-san wheeled by the trolley of groceries everyday around this time like clockwork, a fact that I took advantage of. Katano-san, while kind, would undoubtedly relate my actions today to my father and I couldn't take that chance. I couldn't, I knew, wait until next week when I was with my team and without security, either.

Katano-san, I knew from his profile, would need a few seconds to spot me again. I pumped chakra into the paper bag, throwing it to where I was previously sitting as a distraction. The chakra would resonate through the paper fibers before being channeled back into the earth. I used that time to move to the bicycle and I rode away swiftly, not wanting use chakra on my limbs to aid my momentum.

After getting a considerable distance away, I pulled off my jacket and smoothed down the dress I had worn underneath, choosing to keep my tights on. Continuing west, I smiled a soft smile. I didn't like tricking people during civilian situations but sometimes, it was the only way I could do what I loved.

Contrary to belief, I didn't have the freedom to roam the village at will. I always had an escort or someone watching, making sure that I was safe. And, I knew, making sure that the Hyuuga image was being upheld. It wasn't unfair. I was an important asset to the Hyuuga name even if I wasn't important to the Hyuuga clan itself. _Property._

Adjusting the strap of my backpack, a little heavier now that my jacket was also stuffed inside, I counted the minutes off in my head that it would take Katano-san to find me again.

While not as good at stealth as some others in my class, I did have my size and colouring to my advantage. Even so, I knew that I could only hide my chakra signature so long before I became tired enough to let go.

I tried to whistle a tune to myself but, I giggled, I didn't have the skill. Instead, I hummed, taking a rest as the bicycle propelled down the hill. Soon, I'd be at my destination and today was a very special day. When I was a child, mother would bring me to the civilian section of the village, providing for the families whose lives were still affected by the Ninja wars of the past. Time and prayer, indeed, did not heal all wounds and there was still much pain inflicted upon the families left behind. Sons and daughters gone, payment given by the government more a reminder than taken as a token of gratitude. People, and this was the difficult part, unknowingly trapped and killed in a fight that wasn't even theirs.

Civilians didn't even get the proper government compensation that ninja deaths warranted. Only apologies and grief. Innocents gone in a flash. Ideals and beliefs culminating in heart-wrenching bloodshed.

My mother was an idealist; living in her dreams and thinking everyone had hope. A perfect balance for my father. No wonder these days she seemed more like a dream than reality. But, one learned to accept death as a way of life when in a ninja clan. It didn't make it easier but it helped when fighting for the ideas of others.

'Making the world a better place' was the phrase of fools and politicians but one cant help but fall in love with the idea. Manipulation upon manipulation and dizzying plot twists was the world that I lived in. Fun.

A passing butterfly caught my fancy and I raced after it, my hair billowing behind me, the speed I was going at gave me a rush. Helping others was what I loved to do. My flow. It didn't matter that sometimes the branch members cursed me for playing the pauper, accusing me of pitying them. No. It wasn't pity at all, it was a sense of guilt and responsibility and it's what kept me going. Perhaps I was every bit an idealist as my mother.

Spying the compounds of the outer city, I slowed down, pulling to a stop. Placing the bike behind some bushes, I peered around, looking for a familiar face. Though still part of the city, the streets here were quieter, separated from the bustle of the business district. A mixture of traditional houses and apartments, civilians and ninjas lived here in simplicity, both providing and protecting each other. I recognized some familiar faces of former classmates. Waving a hello, I swiftly walked toward the back houses, reaching for the parcels within my bag.

Tying each parcel securely to the front post, I left a note at each of the houses, confident as always that good things were sure to come. A few items and clothing for the children were little to ease the burden on some of these families but their pride would not accept anything more. I know. I tried. Even Kazune-san who had to care for 6 brothers and sisters, including himself wouldn't accept anything more than his pride would allow. Anything extra was always left on the porch for me to find the next week I came. Of course, none of them knew it was me. I took care of that. I can only imagine the commotion it would cause if the clans were to know that "Lady Hinata" was playing Robin Hood, savior of the poor. The political accusations that would follow were too much of a headache to deal with. And the reasons I was doing it, were well… my own.

The load easing on my back, I was able to move faster toward the special destination of the day, knowing that I had to make it to the outskirts of the business district, toward the fashion centre before Katano-san caught up with me. He wouldn't inquire; only blame himself and include today's mishap in the report to my father. I couldn't let either happen. It wasn't that they wouldn't allow me; if anything, I'm sure father would be secretly proud even if the outward disapproval he would display struck my heart. But, as selfish and foolish as it sounded, this was my secret.

Jumping up toward the first floor balcony, I was unzipping my bag when I heard the door slide open. Panicking, I fled, dropping both the parcel and the note, hanging under the balcony, waiting with a bated breath for what I knew would come.

"Hinata?"

I heard the shuffle of feet and whimpered silently. I was hoping not to be here when he found the note and the package. Especially the note. I never ever came toward the ninja households, especially this house, except for one day every year. Just my luck, it had to be today that he came home early. Or was I late?

"I guess not… Nani? What's this? IT'S MY LUCKY DAY! Ramen packets!"

He paused, presumably checking the package over as he always did before the tell tale crunch of dry ramen noodles told me he tucked the package under an arm. If only he doesn't find…

"Huh? They left a note this time."

Oh no. I knew every word of what he would read, although there were only two short sentences. I wrote and re-wrote the inscription about 20 times before deeming it perfect. Now I was having my doubts. It was the first time I had decided to leave a note for him and I waited nervously for any signs of what he felt. If he remembered.

"Thank you for saving me. I'm sorry I couldn't return the favor. Huh?"

I could imagine him scratching his head, perhaps remembering the incident where he saved her as a child against bullies. I wasn't strong enough then and today was the anniversary of the day when I should've taken action. Anniversary of perhaps all the days I should've taken action. Only, I just realized, he shouldn't be able to remember… because he doesn't know who left the note… right?

I heard him chuckle slowly; a true grin, I knew, spread over his face.

"Oh Hinata..."

I could feel my face heat up and my hands slip slightly, loosing grip. Oh no, I'm going to…

"She's so weird."

She''ssoweird. She'ssoweird.

What?

I heard him walk away, closing the balcony door. Blackness closed around me, my vision fading as my grip slipped and I started falling into the bushes below. How was I going to get back now?

**A/N: **

**ChewieCookies asked me if Naruto and Hinata will get together in the end.**** Trust me, as much as I'd like that, this isn't that kind of story. I do have an AU I'm itching to write, perhaps from Naruto's perspective(?), so keep an eye out for that. These are just random one-shots that just happen to have the same theme so I put them under one title lol. **

**Thank you to everyone that reviewed and who reassured me that I am, in fact, only human. Damn, there go my paranormal visions of grandeur.  
**

**Thank you to my 10-year old sister who, despite being an anime-freak, questioned the need for fanfiction  
"Why? Just watch the anime if you like it soo much!"  
"But… what if you don't like the ending or what if you think a heroine that is TSTL is actually intelligent?"  
"You're TSTL"  
You actually reading chapter two (the only chapter I'd allowed her read) and liking it meant more to me than you'll ever know.  
**

**NO Thank you to the Portugal/Brazil match. You wasted 2 hours of my life. **


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